“I feel lonely. Why doesn't my husband look at me anymore? Nothing I do is good enough. Why is my relationship failing? My sex life sucks. I am so angry at him.”
These are a few of the toxic thoughts among the many that cluttered my mind on a seemingly daily basis. This mindset was so overwhelming that I felt deeply depressed, I harbored resentment against my husband and myself, and most of all, I felt trapped in a life that was the equivalent of an energy sapping nightmare. I didn't see a way out; I was stuck in this devastating cycle. My life and energy revolved around chasing after my husband like my life depended on it. I felt like a dog running after its own tail.
This nightmare didn't last forever, though. I started searching for perfect answers and cure-all remedies. When applied, the “magic formulas” i found scattered across the web worked for a little while, but once the freshness of the technique wore off I noticed my husband becoming distant and uninterested, yet again.
These temporary solutions weren't doing enough for me. I still felt trapped in a cycle, always looking for the next best thing in hopes of catching my beloved’s eye once again. I spent so much time and effort devouring information, but it seemed like nobody had the mystical elixir that I desperately needed to fix my relationship and my life for good.
This is when the most amazing thing happened to me; I started to search within for the answers I needed. It was after taking this small, simple step that I began to truly look at myself.
Here is what I learned the hard way so that you don't have to:
I realized that I wasn't making conscious choices.
My mind was so consumed by hurt, anger, and fear of my reality that I was missing the bigger picture. Everything I do is by choice. Once I realized this, I gave the gift of mindfulness back to myself. I was choosing how I thought, how I felt, and what I did. No one else in existence has the authority to control me or how I live unless I give my power away.
Once I realized how much of myself I wasn't taking responsibility for, I worked towards getting this power back. I decided to choose exactly where my energy was going, and more importantly, I gave myself the ability to choose what form that energy presented itself as. Through meditation, I applied mindfulness techniques that helped me recognize my emotions, choose which thoughts I gave attention to, and eventually learned to control the impulsive anger and hurt that came up so frequently, replacing it with feelings of unconditional love instead.
I wasn't thinking critically about the things that I “know to be true.”
Our society has given us a list of standards and expectations from a very young age that are expected of us, therefore we are programmed to expect things from others. When others don't meet these pre-established expectations, because of this programming we impulsively resort to the victim mentality, to anger, or we feel we have the right to punish others for their “lack.”
“he doesn't love me, I wasn't good enough for him, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not interesting enough, he's incompetent, he doesn't deserve me, if he doesn't (insert demands here) I'm going to be really angry and I'll give him hell…”
We are told that we will get married and live happily ever after, our husbands will meet our every need, we should be the only beautiful thing our husbands looks at, otherwise there is something wrong with them. Even worse, we may think that there is something wrong with us. if we do this or that we should get something back for it. We own our spouse and they own us because we become each other's one and only for life when we said “I do.” We are expected to sacrifice our happiness for the ‘greater good,’ meaning our marriage or our children's future, or to avoid embarrassment of public ‘failure’ such as divorce.
But why? Why is our husband responsible for our happiness? Why is it that we feel the need to be the most physically attractive being on this earth to our spouse to the point of prohibiting him from noticing any other beauty? Why do we feel the need to be the center of his attention? Why is it that we take vows and exchange rings to symbolize our dedication to one another, only to be upset when him coming home to us goes from a choice to an obligation down the road because things have fallen into a routine and he's bored? Why do we tell ourselves that our love is unconditional when in reality, with all of these expectations, it is the opposite? Why do we believe that our spouses are only allowed to love us, and we are only allowed to love them? Why do we feel like we have the right to punish others when we feel angry or afraid of the future? These are all very valid questions! Take the time to ponder on them, along with anything else that comes into mind. You can never ask yourself too many questions.
I learned how to change my perception.
By asking myself all of those hard questions, along with many more, I gave myself the power to see things from a very neutral viewpoint. I realized that all of these expectations I had given others, my husband, and even myself were trapping me. They gave me a false sense of control over my life, and over others. This was very dangerous and extremely deceitful. Over time and after a lot of wrestling with my ego, I freed myself from the illusion that happiness and love can only exist in a small, preconditioned box. I recognized that my perception is my world, therefore if I could somehow change it, I would have the power to create the life of happiness and love that my heart longed for.
Since my mind, my ego, is naturally pessimistic and negative when I am in a low vibratory state, I started to consciously focus on the positive. I couldn't keep listening and obeying negativity with the expectation of a positive outcome. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I was ready to break free of this insane cycle, which I allowed myself to ride through for so long, so I started out by doing what seemed easiest. I started doing the complete opposite of what I was already doing. I began to consciously seek out to the light in everything.
I notice my husband gazes at the pretty waitress at the restaurant on my birthday when he thinks I won't notice, or maybe he does it out of subconscious impulse and even he doesn't notice. Whatever the reason may be, in a situation like this, it would be very easy for me to get angry and listen to my ego say, “how dare he?! And on my birthday? I must be worthless in this man's eyes, he must not really love me.” But instead I choose to tune into my heart and see the situation in a clear light for what it really is.
That waitress is pretty! I can acknowledge her beauty, my husband can acknowledge her beauty, even she can acknowledge her beauty. What a wonderful birthday gift to see such a beautiful sight. Where is the harm in that? The ego might say that you are the only beautiful thing that your husband is allowed to look at, but asking yourself the critical questions above shows you in your heart that the ego is deceiving you. You have control over what you see, and how you see it.
I rediscovered the true source of happiness.
Once being mindful of my energy and the ability to use the power of perception came easier to me, I was able to see where true happiness came from. Afew different elements make up the recipe, including truly loving yourself, loving others with all of your heart, and doing what you love. Notice I didn't mention the need for love from an outside source. Nobody else can provide you true happiness but yourself.
The need to love yourself is absolutely crucial because you can not love and feel true happiness with all of your heart until you have mastered this. When you love yourself, the idea of competition is eliminated. You no longer feel intimidated by other women (or men), and you certainly don't feel the need to find gratification and acceptance outside of your own being. You come to appreciate the beauty in everything.
To love yourself also means that you give yourself the time to do what you love. We each have a purpose. Every single one of us has gifts and talents. When we choose to acknowledge them and build on them, gratification above all else makes itself available to us. When you come to the realization that your works bring you true joy, when you do what brings you that warm feeling of joy and happiness, it is important to put your time and energy into doing exactly that. You have much more mental free time when you give up the baggage of the world, the rules and expectations pushed on you as a child, the need to seek for love outside, etc.. put this time to good use and benefit yourself by doing what you love because you love yourself! The greatest investment is in yourself, and I'm not talking about money!
Now, think about a time that you felt truly happy. Analyze the situation. Did it stem from knowing that someone else loves you, or from reciprocating that love back to them? I know that in my lifetime there have been many times that I have been unloving even when someone else was showing me their love for me. I didn't feel happy then. There are times when I felt love for others who weren't necessary being loving towards me, but I was definitely happy. Both of these situations are important experiences to learn from because they show the truth. When I was being loving I was happy, when I was unloving I wasn't. True, everlasting happiness comes from expressing love in all that you do. Being love, showing love, giving love, it is all to ‘BE love,’ which is happiness. There is not much else to be said on this because it is as simple as that!
I stopped judging others, along with myself.
Along with learning to love myself, recognizing my greatness and potential, and loving others wholeheartedly, I realized that judging others goes completely against who I am! To judge is to put someone else down while bringing yourself up. Sure, this may bring temporary gratification, but it is never for your own benefit, no matter how well meaning you think it is. All forms of judgment create blocks and inhibit growth.
Here is a very broad example:
As much as we want to say that our husband's newly discovered mistresses are “sluts” and a “whores”, and our husband's are “good for nothing cheaters,” we have to ask ourselves, “what good will judging them and spewing out negativity bring me? What good will it bring them? What good will it bring the world?”
I know, I'm crazy right? But think about it… We choose everything in our lives. Our perception, actions, words, thoughts, which feelings we wish to splurge on, what situations we allow ourselves to be in, the people we let into our lives, our own happiness even. Why would we want to inhibit that by slowing our great progress literally to the point of stagnation by regressing back to obeying the negative ego on command? It is perfectly natural and even important to feel hurt when something so big and unexpected happens, but it's equally as important to dig up the root of the pain and fix the problem instead of inhibiting growth by unnecessary judgments of others and making it worse.
Ask yourself, “what is the root of this pain?” Is it the ego is telling you to be upset because you weren't the center of his universe? Are you judging yourself because you feel like you aren't good enough? Are you feeling this pain because you feel deceived by someone you trusted so intimately? Is it jealousy because you feel you've sacrificed so much while he's off having ‘fun’? The reason could be anything, and it's different for everyone. But there is great importance behind these seemingly painful experiences. The lessons that become available to us through them are invaluable.
Look closely at your husband, he's living his life the way he wants. He's not making any sacrifices, and does as he pleases. He's not letting anyone or anything get in his way. His actions cause you to hurt, but you can learn from this if you truly want to. His infidelity coming into light is showing you where you have room to learn and grow.
I am in no way excusing what he did, because being deceitful and breaking the bond of trust that a romantic couple should share is a very painful thing to experience. I am not even saying that what he did was right or justifiable. All I'm doing is giving you a reminder that the memories don't have to be a painful experience that linger in your mind forever. Learn from your husband and start doing what brings you joy and happiness, but learn enough to do this with integrity and with a heart filled with love. Stop sacrificing yourself to emotions, thoughts, and mindsets that do not serve you. Invest in yourself. Love yourself enough to allow yourself to learn the lessons that come your way. Live karma-free.
I shared the gift of unconditional forgiveness freely
Forgiving someone doesn't have to be so hard. once you've mastered the gifts of perception, self-love, and have reprogrammed yourself with a judgement-free mindset, forgiveness becomes much easier. When someone hurts us and we hold onto the pain, we are hurting ourselves. The stress and sadness from holding a grudge brings on illness and depression. It seemingly traps us into another cycle of destruction, similar to the ones we've been working so hard to escape! It is crucial to your own health and wellbeing that you take the time to sit with your emotions long enough to acknowledge them, and then transform them by deciding to come from a place of love. Do not dwell on the grudges. Do not fall back into the victim mentality and feed into the ego while analyzing the feelings behind them. Lead with your heart, do your best to find the light, discover and learn the hidden lesson(s), and then move on from it.
You don't need an apology to forgive someone for hurting you. Forgiveness comes from the same place as happiness, which is formed from the same energy as unconditional love, which comes from inside of you. Like happiness, no one can make you forgive but yourself.
If you're still having trouble forgiving someone, close your eyes and envision whatever it is they did that ignited negative feelings inside of you. Acknowledge the feelings, notice their presence, and imagine the person who hurt you says, “I love you, I'm sorry.” allow yourself to feel compassionately towards this person for their apology. Next, imagine them telling you, “please forgive me.” Here you invoke in a flood of love and even more compassion until the feelings of pain, anger, resentment,etc. are washed away. The person in your mind may now say, “thank you.” Allow yourself to feel nothing but gratitude and love at this point. Do this as often as it takes for the forgiveness to come to fruition in your heart. Every time you catch yourself harboring a grudge follow the formula.
“I love you,
please forgive me,
I recognized the truth
The truth is not what we've been told, it's not what we've been programmed to believe. The truth is what we are.
You have the strength to get through anything. You have enough love for everyone. You are more than ‘good enough’ and deserve to live a happy life because you exist. You alone have the power to change your life. You are an infinite being with infinite potential.
Allow this seed of truth to grow within you. Nourish it and allow yourself to become the greatest version of yourself. Let yourself truly be.
Everyone has their own free will, just like you.
The reality is, we do not own our partners just as they don't own us. They are free, sovereign beings who make their own choices. When we find ourselves being controlling or try to dictate what another being can or cannot do, we are infringing on their sovereignty. We are trying to enslave them. We are trying to demote them from the infinite beings with infinite potential (which they truly are as we all are) to an object of density. We are not valuing this person in the way they deserve to be valued. We are mixing love with ownership. Allow others to fly. The ones who truly matter will come back out of choice, and not obligation.
Unconditional love doesn't mean that you have to live a conditional life.
Stop saying “I'll be happy if…” and start saying “I am happy when…”
When you come to recognize the beauty and the power within yourself, life gets easier. But it doesn't end there. You don't have to stay in the same place forever. You don't have to surround yourself with the same, familiar people that filled your old life. Eventually you will get to a point where you no longer fear change, you embrace it with open arms. There are infinite possibilities in this life for you, and only you can choose whether or not you want to live them.
If you're in a place where you feel uninspired or unmotivated it is time to expose yourself to a different environment. New exposure causes lessons, lessons cause growth, growth causes a great version of yourself, which creates a greater life.
If you get to the point where you want to leave your current life behind, do it because you are ready to experience something else, not because your spouse isn't making you happy. The results you seek are in the first option.
If you'd like to stay, go ahead and stay! Light and love are limitless. No matter where you are, you alone have the capability to incorporate both of these beautiful gifts into your life on a daily basis.
Before I end this message, I'd like to add something near and dear to me heart, if you are in an abusive relationship, this is more than enough of a reason to move on. Nobody deserves to be harmed. Nothing you do or have done justifies abuse of any kind. Love yourself enough to respect your health and let go of the situation. Life is brighter when you're not getting beat. There is hope for you, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
-Be Divine. Bodivine.